


you only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves

by dontstraytoofar



Category: The Good Place (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Fluff, Happy Ending, Unrequited Love, look im in love with them theyre in love with each other and im Soft
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-11
Updated: 2019-10-11
Packaged: 2020-12-09 04:15:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,327
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20988695
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dontstraytoofar/pseuds/dontstraytoofar
Summary: "In all this randomness, in all this pandemonium, you and Eleanor found each other and had a life together. Isn’t that remarkable?”





	you only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves

**Author's Note:**

> hey!!! im back!!! season 4 aired, and i got absolutely knocked over with a) my love for my fav lesbian tahani, and b) eleanor x tahani all over again. like, WHEW it was intense. but i hope you all enjoy this fic!! comments and kudos, as always, are so so appreciated. thank you and enjoy!! all mistakes are mine xx
> 
> (title from mary oliver's 'wild geese')
> 
> (also, set in 4x02 and midway through 4x03, so VERY slight spoilers ahead.)

-

There weren’t many things Tahani can remember regretting when she was alive. Sometimes, she likes to think that at least she lived her life not wishing to go back, to be able to say confidently that _yes _there were things she could have done better (much better) or moments she thinks back on that remind her of why she, and the rest of the group, are here. Why she’s a better person, and why everything that’s happened up until this point has _made _her better. She hasn’t lashed out at Eleanor like she would have done when she was alive if under the same circumstances. If Tahani’s being honest with herself? Sometimes that little seed of crushing heartbreak doesn’t seem so heavy when Tahani realises how well she’s truly hiding it.

How much it hurts sometimes, right at her chest, to love someone like she loves Eleanor.

Tahani should be over it like Eleanor is, shouldn’t she? Shouldn’t she have moved on like Eleanor did after being showed their memories before the new test? Shouldn’t she have _understood _that the moments she saw herself fall in love with Eleanor, over and over and _over _again, that Eleanor saw it the same, but different? That Eleanor saw that love and took the earbuds out of her ears with tears in her eyes, turned to Tahani, and hugged her and breathed her in like she forgot how to. Body so soft against hers Tahani thought she could split open in two.

Tahani has never felt a love like that before, one she knows she felt thousands of times, thousands of different ways; a love where she holds that person in her arms knowing they’re not hers to keep. There was an almost quiet understanding that Tahani had to swallow like sharp rocks; _I’m in love with you, but I’m also in love with Chidi. _

Tahani understands, she _gets _it, she does. It doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt and it doesn’t mean that burying a love so vast is easy. But is it shellfish, for just this once, to want to be chosen? Tahani feels more at war with what she’s feeling than she ever has before, and with what she’s also feeling _now, _as Eleanor looks to her, is something she hasn’t really felt in a long time. That deep gut churning feeling of regret as certain words leave her lips.

“We should at _least _discuss pursuing the idea of a change in leadership.”

Janet hears the door opening before she does, and Tahani sees the widening of Janet’s eyes too late before the damage is done.

“Oh yeah, _definitely_, let’s pursue it.”

Tahani winces, turning around slowly as Eleanor stands before her. She opens her mouth to apologise, but Jason beats her to it. And bless him, but he doesn’t help at _all _and Janet adorably lists off statistics that just make the tears in Eleanor’s eyes worse and Tahani _knew _she shouldn’t of said anything, knew that even though Eleanor was cracking under the pressure, she should have _talked _to her. Helped her. But god it’s so much easier not to because seeing Eleanor or talking to her or being _near _her hurts; and now all Tahani wants is just to say sorry and hug her and feel Eleanor melt in her arms like she did so many times before.

“Eleanor, I-“

“I didn’t ask for this!” The outcry silences everyone, and Eleanor’s voice cracks the tiniest amount and so does Tahani’s chest. “I’m only doing it because Michael, who is _supposed_ to be in charge, had a nervous breakdown the second it started!” Tahani closes her eyes, swallowing the rising words she wants to say but knows she needs to keep to herself right now. _I didn’t ask for this either, Eleanor. _

“But! Maybe you can do it better than me. Tahani can be in charge, since she’s so smart. Or, better yet, Jason-“

Tahani doesn’t blame Eleanor, she doesn’t. She’s hurt and she’s scared and she’s overwhelmed at being a leading puzzle piece in _literally _saving the world. Tahani plays with her necklace and looks to her feet and wonders why even when she’s trying to help, it always feels like she makes things _worse. _

(She jumps when Janet squeezes to her hand softly the same time Eleanor slams the door. Eleanor’s absence is a sharp knife in the silence and Michael excuses himself to chase after her. Tahani stays put. She never knew she could feel a love like this.)

-

“Janet?”

“Yes?”

Tahani sits just outside the little house of their headquarters, looking through the small window as Janet appears and sits next to her. The whiteboard of their plan glares at Tahani through the glass, making her feel that twist in her gut even deeper as she leans her head against Janet’s firm shoulder. It’s comforting in a way that only genuine friendship can bring. She wishes so desperately she could have the seamlessly easy ignorance of Jason’s as she watches him try to balance a pencil on the ridge of his nose on the couches inside.

“Am I a terrible friend?”

Janet’s eyes soften, in that way that makes Tahani believe that there is no way she isn’t becoming more human as seconds tick by.

“Would you like my honest answer? My ability to deliver advice in a way that is empathetic but still truthful has increased by 45% since I’ve met you all.”

Tahani smiles lightly, chuckling, nodding against her shoulder. Janet mimics the motion for breathing in, more of a comforting constant for Tahani rather than a necessity.

“You are a wonderful friend, Tahani.” Janet’s voice is soft, Tahani leans into it like Janet were the warm light of the sun. “You simply only saw the larger picture of what we’re trying to achieve, rather than your friend’s feelings in that moment. You were only trying to help. It was just unfortunate Eleanor heard it when she did.”

Tahani folds her arms close to her stomach, she feels small and terrible and like there is something inside of her chest _begging _to be let out. She loves Eleanor and it _hurts _being in love with someone who loves another just that little bit more; she didn’t mean for her to hear her, it wasn’t _meant _in a way that she doesn’t believe in Eleanor. She’s just-

“I’m worried.”

Janet blinks, tilting her head slightly in confusion as Tahani mumbles it into the cloth of the shirt Janet wears. “About what?” Janet knows the answer, she knows _everything, _but she feels as if Tahani needs this.

“About Eleanor. About us. About me. About how this is too much for Eleanor but she’s the only one who can do it and-” Tahani’s nails dig slightly into her arm, closing her eyes as tears fall down her cheeks. Her voice cracks in places, and all she can think of is in this one reboot, Eleanor was drunk at a party that Tahani threw; demanding piggy back rides from her girlfriend and Tahani indulged her even though she was sober. And Jason laughed and said she may as well be drunk off of Eleanor.

Tahani swallows the memory down until it chokes her. “I’m worried it’s too much for her, I’m scared that we’ll fail. I’m _terrified _that the reason we will is because I love her and I can’t separate that from what we need to do.”

Janet frowns, Tahani is breathing in a way that shows how much it took her to push those words out. And Janet feels how the heart or _whatever _it is that resides in the void, clenches when one of the humans it loves is hurt. And ever since Tahani revealed the complications of her own heart to Janet, there has been a soft spot that runs directly through it for the other woman. Now isn’t any different as Janet chooses the next words carefully.

“One time, in a reboot where Eleanor found out about the Good place again, she came to me first, instead of telling Michael.” Tahani leans back, face confused but silent as she waits for Janet to finish. Janet blinks, frowning softly, sifting through the thousands of memories and smiling slightly as she finds the one. “She confessed to me she was in love with you, but didn’t know if telling you would be worth it after I told her of how Michael will erase all your memories, rebooting you all to start over. She had this funny look, like she was both constipated and torn.”

Tahani chuckles, shaking her head as she wipes under her eyes. “Oh, that’s her _‘admitting feelings is dumb as fork’ _look.”

Janet smiles with her, continuing. “I think I’ll tell you the same thing I told her. The more human I become, the less things make sense. Since nothing seems to make sense, when you find something or _someone _that does, it’s euphoria.” Tahani feels her chest lighten, but it aches all the same. Janet nudges her softly to look up, a soft smile gracing her features.

“In all this randomness, in all this pandemonium, you and Eleanor found each other and had a life together. Isn’t that remarkable?”

Tahani opens her mouth, but finds no words at her throat. Just a croak that she swallows as she looks to Janet. _Had a life together. _Will she ever get it again? Or should the randomness of the universe beat on beneath Tahani’s chest every time she thinks of her. Every time she wants to kiss her again, every time Tahani has the urge to really talk to Eleanor about how she’s feeling. Every time Eleanor looks to her in this way that makes Tahani think _maybe this is when she’ll say she loves me, _when her crystal ocean eyes soften in a way they only ever do with Tahani.

Tahani settles back onto Janet’s shoulder, sniffing and clearing her throat. “So, you’re…you’re rather saying I should tell her?”

Janet runs through the conclusions of the infinite possibilities of that encounter inside her mind, a mere split second passing unbeknownst to Tahani; smiling softly and looking back down to the other woman. “Yes, I think you should.”

Tahani closes her eyes, letting out a humourless chuckle as if all the emotional energy drained out of her in that moment. “I guess all I can do is embrace the pandemonium.”

Janet raises an eyebrow, the fleeting memory of Eleanor saying exactly that to her runs through her mind as she says the rest out loud to Tahani, squeezing to her friend’s hand.

“Find happiness in the unique insanity of being here, Tahani. We’ll do this together.”

The words are so comforting it makes Tahani melt; _we’ll do this together. _Tahani leans back, content. “You know, for an omnipotent being you give surprisingly wonderful girlfriend advice.”

“Not a girl.”

“Hot robot advice?”

“I am sexy, yes.”

Tahani laughs, and all of the sudden, the universe to her seems lighter.

-

Tahani busies herself with figuring out how to get John to attend the ethics class, but the conversation with Janet doesn’t leave her mind, _nor _wanting to tell Eleanor everything that her chest begs her to say. But distractions are nice sometimes when it comes to the matters of the heart, Tahani thinks. There’s _definitely _nothing unhealthy about burying emotions and feelings via obsessing over saving the world, right? She’s been going through countless ways of convincing John to change into a good person, juggling Janet and Jason’s breakup, begrudgingly playing FIFA with Jason to make him feel better, weirdly enjoying it, _then _futilely undergoing a spa day with John as a last-ditch effort. _Spoiler alert,_ Tahani thinks, _exfoliating doesn’t work emotionally or morally._

That’s why, mid erasing a terrible mind map that really wasn’t going _anywhere_ on the white board, Tahani is surprised when she hears a voice clear their throat behind her.

“Tahani?”

She almost drops the eraser as she places her palm to her chest. “Shirt, Eleanor. You sca-“

Tahani turns around, being met with Eleanor standing near one of the couches almost sheepishly folding her arms, donned in a blue suit and bow tie. And the architect look is so endearingly adorable, attractive, and hot on Eleanor, that Tahani quickly stutters out the end of her sentence because she’s been staring _way _too long and curse her useless lesbian brain and-

“-ared me. Scared me.” Tahani clears her throat, putting the eraser down and copying Eleanor’s stance as she nervously flattens down a wrinkle in her dress. They stand in silence a moment, Eleanor opening her mouth as if to speak but deciding against it. As if both women were trying fervently to think of what to say and how to say it and Tahani feels _so _many things at once that she desperately wants to speak out loud, and then Eleanor catches her eye. She looks like she wants to say the same.

“I’m so sorry Eleanor I-“

“I just wanted to say that-“

They speak and move towards the other at the same time, cutting the other off and laughing as they realise. Their laughter dissolves, and Tahani looks to Eleanor so warmly Eleanor feels like she’s looking at the sun.

“Sorry, you go ahead.”

Eleanor holds herself around her middle, pointing the tip of her shoe into the floor like she was in middle school again, and Tahani will always find it the most endearing action she’s ever seen. The other woman puffs a frustrated breath as she lets her arms relax.

“Okay, so, I need to tell you this because I feel like knowing this is dirty somehow. Like when I found out the employee of the month at the Hooters down the road from me when I moved out was my mom.”

Tahani blinks once, mouth opening to speak but Eleanor holds her hand up. “Don’t ask, babe.” Tahani snorts on a laugh, and Eleanor smiles at the action, sobering up quickly when she remembers why she’s here, standing in front of…in front of…

Her soulmate.

_Soulmate. _

Eleanor breathes deeply, shutting her eyes briefly. “I overheard your conversation with Janet the other night.”

Tahani blanches, eyes widening as a thousand thoughts run through her mind. She doesn’t know what to say, what _can _she say. _Sorry that you heard me profess my undying love for you when I clearly know it’s unrequited? Sorry for making this even more confusing than it is for both of us?_ Tahani tries, she _does, _she tries to think of everything that would be correct to say in this moment. To think of everything her and Janet talked about. _Embrace it. I think you should. We’ll do this together._ But nothing comes to her mind other than:

“Oh god, I am _so_ sorry, Eleanor.”

Eleanor looks to Tahani like she suddenly grew three heads. “Wait, what? No, Tahani-“

Tahani steps closer and doesn’t even _hear _what Eleanor said because she might of just lost her as a friend and that’s infinitely _worse _than having to watch her love someone else, and embracing the pandemonium is forking unbelievably_ scary_.

“I know we agreed that everything is confusing and messy right now, and to wait after everything’s blown over to figure it all out. But I...” Tahani’s voice cracks in this way that stops Eleanor from trying to speak as well. And Tahani couldn’t stop if she tried. “Janet was just _there _and she listens and I felt terrible after I judged your leadership because I’m scared that what I feel for you won’t ever go away. That it’ll be the reason this all falls apart. And it’s not fair to you, or to Chidi, or to the entire bloody human race that we’re trying to save because I _love _you Eleanor and I can’t stop feeling like this even if I tried and-“

Tahani’s voice is cut off as Eleanor surges forwards, hugging her as if she was slipping away from her fingers. Tahani blinks once, tears that were sitting on the edge of her eyes finally falling down her cheeks as she feels the smaller woman bury her face into her neck briefly. Eleanor’s fingers graze the back of her neck and it’s enough to jumpstart Tahani out of her shock to hold back. She rests her chin atop Eleanor’s head like always, frowning softly in confusion as her heart threatens to beat out of her chest at how Eleanor’s holding her.

“I…truly don’t know what’s going on right now.”

She feels Eleanor laugh against her neck, that wet chuckle after crying that Tahani’s entire being melts to.

“I’m hugging you, hot stuff.”

Eleanor leans back, Tahani moving her chin as she looks down to the woman in her arms blushing softly. Eleanor has this look, she’s tracing every line of Tahani’s face and it’s like she already knew what she was going to say before she came in here. Her eyes are soft, that baby blue that could drown Tahani if they so wanted to. Tahani feels like the earth is tilting.

“I didn’t mean to. Overhear that is. I was coming over to apologise to _you _actually.” At Tahani’s confused look, Eleanor elaborates. And as she starts tracing patterns on Tahani’s bicep, Eleanor shrugs, a sad smile gracing her features. “I let you guys down.”

Tahani immediately frowns, shaking her head as she grabs to the other woman’s hands, ducking slightly from their height difference. “Eleanor, you didn’t let us down at all. How could you say that?”

Eleanor looks back up, smiling softly. “I knew you’d say that.” But in the next moment Eleanor closes her eyes, she looks like a weight is pushing down on top of her, one she’s finally lifting off of herself.

“That’s the thing though Tahani, I have. After Michael talked to me, after all of that self doubt and hearing you say all of that stuff to Janet, I realised that _every _step of the way you guys have believed in me, but I wasn’t giving you the same. And then when I was cracking under the pressure and you were worried about me I lashed out, because-“

Eleanor takes a deep breath, her voice shaking as tears glisten in her eyes and Tahani wants to take all the pain, everything that’s making Eleanor hurt. She holds tighter to Tahani’s hands and breathes out and it feels like the pandemonium is finally making sense. 

“Because it’s hard for me to admit when I need someone.”

When the words leave her mouth, Tahani wants to kiss her. Wants to breathe in the heartache that is present in those few words. The meaning behind them don’t hit Tahani right away, but they barrel into her heart when Eleanor’s next words hit her ears.

“I need you Tahani, more than I’ve needed anyone in my entire life. More than I need shrimp, babe. And that’s like, a lot.” Tahani laughs, Eleanor smiling along with her, her voice then turning soft.

“Can we just maybe…I dunno…embrace the pandemonium?”

Tahani looks into Eleanor’s eyes, soft and hopeful and scared and love filled just like hers. And she realises they’re both jumping from cliffs right now, into the unknown, into either raised piercing rocks or the gentle lull of a river below that neither know will catch them when they fall. Tahani swallows, and realises that if Eleanor was with her, nothing else mattered.

“Together?”

Eleanor’s smile widens at Tahani’s voice, her entire body softening as she tucks a stray piece of Tahani’s hair behind her ear. “Together, gorgeous.”

And if the answer to how the universe works was revealed, ceasing to be special, a cosmic engine cranking out its purpose and nothing mattered anymore and neither did she; Tahani knew one thing.

And it’s this. That this moment of free falling into the unknown with Eleanor, still would.

-


End file.
